Commish's Top 10(ish): Power Ranking Every X-Men Movie

The last month in the world of sports has been an absolute rollercoaster ride of emotion for many fans, especially in the past week. Joel Embiid was a tragic casualty of the NBA MVP 65-game rule, Lamar Jackson was accused of being the Joel Embiid of the NFL, and Caitlin Clark has proven true the claims that she has the ability to stomp Joel Embiid 1-on-1. Hundreds of football players have already found new teams to play for in 2024 despite NFL Free Agency being in the fairly distant future thanks to the NCAA transfer portal, alongside many NFL and college coaches finding new homes in search of a brighter 2024 season. Bill Belichick was fired, Pete Carroll retired, and Jason Kelce broke everyone's ankles by retiring, but saying he hadn't decided, but then acting like he retired, but then talking like he was returning. And, of course, a Midwest football team of which I am a fan of hired a Green Bay Packers staff member as their next offensive coordinator (what's new?). Welcome to the NFL offseason, folks.

But here's the adamantium lining: my recently self-diagnosed CIDS (Chiefs-Induced Depression Syndrome) has driven me to re-watch all seven of the Fox X-Men movies in the last week. Not only has this been a nice change-of-pace moment for me, but it provided an opportunity for me to kill two birds with one stone.

But let's pause for a moment.

Just like the cop cars in front of Magneto, every opinion tends to toss and turn and change form as it continues to be influenced by the topic at hand. Even my opinion can be swayed by the slightest wave of bias and emotion when analyzing and comparing these movies. Because of this, I have constructed a system that levels the playing field in regard to rating and ranking any sample of items, one that takes personal bias into account only when necessary. Today, I will be using this system to grade and arrange the entire pre-Disney X-Men saga movie-by-movie to determine which, if any, are the superior works of art. But, first and foremost, here is the breakdown of how the grading system works in this class:

The Formula 1.0 (not to be confused with Formula 1)

10-9.5: Elite (Barbie, LOTR trilogy, etc.)

9.4-9.0: High-End Talent (The Dark Knight, No Country for Old Men, etc.)

8.9-8.5: Really Good, Possibly Great (Rogue One, Dune, etc.)

8.4-8.0: Just Good (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 1-3, Oppenheimer, etc.)

7.9-7.0: Solid Options (Tenet, Here Comes the Boom, etc.)

6.9-6.0: Fine in the Right Situation (Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, Violent Night, etc.)

5.9-0.0: Just Not for Me, Man (Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Thor: Love and Thunder, etc.)

The Rankings

7: Dark Phoenix

Overall: 6.3

Best Quality: Storm and Quicksilver

If I'm honest, I actually kind of liked all of these movies on the re-watch quite a bit more than I expected going in, but someone has to be last. This movie's just kind of a poop show, but I still kind of like it.

6. The Last Stand

Overall: 6.8

Best Quality: Solid Story

There are a lot of little things you could nitpick about this movie that genuinely really aren't good. However, each individual storyline was interesting and fit fairly well into the general plot of the movie, allowing a few of the more well-executed characters and moments to shine in various spots throughout.

5. First Class

Overall: 7.8

Best Quality: Character Building

This ranking may ruffle some feathers and turn some heads, but the system remains unbiased. There is a lot to like in this movie, and I genuinely think it does a ton of things very well, but there is a reason why the remaining titles are listed ahead of it (his name was Darwin, and he was too cool of a mutant to die as easily as he did).

4. Apocalypse

Overall: 7.8

Best Quality: Intriguing Villain

I know a lot of people hate on Apocalypse (or En Sabah Nur) for whatever reason, but he's graded out as the second-highest rated villain in the entire series (behind the obvious). Yes, this movie's not perfect, but there's so much to like about it. Also, this movie may be featured in its own article sometime in the near future.

3. X-Men

Overall: 7.8

Best Quality: Balance

Objectively speaking, there's nothing about this movie that makes it better or worse than either of the last two (hence the same overall rating). This is where the personal bias comes into play. This movie features Wolverine, and neither of the other two have more than a minute of screen time for him.

2. X2: X-Men United

Overall: 8.4

Best Quality: Stakes

This is actually a really good movie pretty much from start to finish. Although not perfect, the story it follows and the characters it builds around are really strong and interesting. The opening scene instantly establishes a legitimate threat, which only grows in complexity and widespread danger as the plot develops. Although not quite considered great, X2 pushes the boundaries of the 'Good' tier.

1. Days of Future Past

Overall: 8.6

Best Quality: Character Redemption

As the second "second movie" of the franchise, Days of Future Past took a lot of things that X2 did well and did them a little better. From instant high stakes centered around a human scientist's deep interest in and fear of mutants to rivals briefly joining forces to stop a greater threat, many of these similarities inextricably link the two films; however, the redemption arc for both Raven and Charles Xavier is what truly makes this one better.

Wednesday Night Live: 1/24

Taylor, Jake, and Josh team up to give you a brief preview of Jake's favorite NFL day of the year: the upcoming NFL Conference Championship Sunday. They also break down all the most relevant news regarding Iowa sports since our last podcast before staking their takes regarding the Justin Fields/Caleb Williams/Drake Maye debate for the first time looking forward to the Bears' offseason.

Spotify Link

Also Available on Apple Podcasts, just search "Cogito Ergo Oro"

Getsy Is Out, Eberflus Is In

Former Bears Offensive Coordinator and Soon-To-Be Convicted Double-Agent/War Criminal Luke Getsy

The Chicago Bears provided an update regarding some anticipated coaching personnel changes this morning, with news breaking that offensive coordinator Luke "Screen Junkie" Getsy would be dismissed from his role in addition to virtually all offensive assistant coaches beneath him being relieved of their duties as well. This announcement comes on the heels of a disappointing 17-9 defeat at the hands of the Green Bay Packers to conclude the Bears' 2023-24 campaign with a mediocre 7-10 record. Getsy and his staff leave behind a legacy of curious situational play-calling (e.g. having Trent "Don't Quit Your Day Job" Taylor block an excellent EDGE defender) that helped the Bears secure the #1 overall pick in the 2023 draft in what I believed at the time was a masterful disguise of blatant tanking, but has since proved to be just flat-out unremarkable coaching. I can speak for virtually all sensible AND non-sensible Bears fans in expressing support for this move.

In addition to Getsy, speculation regarding the safety of head coach "Door" Matt Eberflus' job also ran rampant, as the Bears have a sterling 10-24 record in his two seasons at the helm. The team announced today that Eberflus would have his contract renewed for the 2024-2025 season.

My Take:

Getsy 100% should be gone. The offense was far too inconsistent and nonsensical from a situational perspective. While I don't think the Bears' offensive personnel was sensational, it seemed fairly apparent that they were still not getting the most out of the pieces they had. Justin Fields seems to be a limited quarterback from a passing standpoint, but so little of the Bears' success seemed to originate within the structure of the offense, which speaks poorly to the play-caller. His screen call on 3rd and 22 of the Packers game on what ultimately was the Bears' final offensive possession of the season was abominable. Firing him is the correct move.

Regarding Eberflus, I think the Bears are missing out on opportunities in the head coaching market and are settling for a mediocre (at best) status quo with this decision. Whether they were likely to land some of the hottest names (Jim Harbaugh, Bill Belichick, Mike Vrabel, Ben Johnson, etc.) is debatable (and should call into question the seriousness of the ownership/front office if they can't sell their current situation to prospective head coaches), but retaining Eberflus heading into what will likely be a new era of quarterback play resembles similar moves made in prior regimes where a lame-duck coach is retained and fired one year into the tenure of the franchise's new quarterback. His track record with game management is questionable (you don't lose 70% of your games by accident) and I question his ability to build a competent coaching staff around himself (he 100% has failed fantastically at that thus far, both on and off the field). I think keeping him is an unserious move, which is disappointing given the assets the Bears have to build with going forward. Bears GM Ryan Poles is doubling down on Eberflus, and I believe the Bears will need to be a legitimate, dangerous playoff team next season for him to be worthy of keeping his job. We'll see if they can accomplish that.